06:45: Just ignore your alarm. You set that before you spent two hours and twenty-seven minutes chastising yourself for retiring from cart-wheeling and bending your body into a ‘crab’ every day back when you were nine. Had you continued your infant gymnastics, you wouldn’t have pulled the whole of your lower body while practicing the […]
“Shall we order a takeaway?” Aaron asks me, about six hours before we would actually consider picking up the phone to place an order. Our eyes duet, moving in unison before they fall upon my most recent regrettable purchase. The bathroom scales. The scales that betrayed I Literally Cannot Put on Weight Even if I […]
“What happened when a French chef ended up working in an Italian?” I looked at my brother. “He made spaguettes.” Jordan grinned. “What course did the Italian sign up to because he had an interest in language?” This time I looked at my mum, willing her to make it stop, but Jordan had cycled 70 […]
As I sat across from the car salesman and he told me my shiny blue 69 plate would not, in fact, have a CD player, looking smug as he said something about bluetooth, I gasped. What about my Now That’s What I Call Music! collection? “You’re the first young person to want a CD player.” […]
“What shall we do today?” I used to ask Aaron every Sunday morning, as we begun the final day of the week together, having forgotten once again to make any plans for our one mutual day off. “I’m not sure,” he’d look at me. “What do you think?” This would go on for a while, […]
It was my turn to host the weekly family virtual quiz. As the first person to assume this responsibility for the second time, I wanted to raise the bar. The day prior I spent three hours collating three rounds and 30 questions onto a PowerPoint presentation, commanding text and pictures to ‘fly in’ or ‘swivel’, […]
It’s 01:15 and I have just been speaking with one of my closest friends, having realised we were both bathing in blue light far too late into the night. Wide awake, we spoke about why lenses are circular but photographs are rectangular; we spit-balled podcast ideas and decided that the Queen should host a royal, […]
My boyfriend is a 24-year-old homeowner. It’s something I think is incredibly cool but also something that is not my achievement to explore or brag about. As his 24-year-old girlfriend, however, I must confess: As soon as I moved in with him, I felt ‘less feminist’. It’s not that I pay him rent, but the […]
As I am writing this it is 21:49; I have a beer ninety degrees to my left and I am just about to put some water on to boil, to create a very high-brow one-woman banquet of pesto pasta. If it was 2017 and I could see myself now, I’d recoil, fearing I hadn’t outgrown […]
While a lot of us make new goals to soften our January 1st hungover, there’s only a real emphasis for us to stick to them in January, rather than for the next eleven months too. Today I headed out with the boyfriend for a Sunday morning walk. One of the three small changes I made […]